Flirting is a hard verb. It really is. It ranks up there with running or waiting for your pizza to cool off before scorching your mouth. And if you’re an angelic human with glowing skin and perfectly placed hair, you probably don’t even know what flirting is. But for those of us who trip over air and can’t curl our hair, we need some extra help to make dem boiz go loco.

On my quest to womanhood, I’ve attempted to properly flirt but have had little success in succeeding. One time a cute guy was looking at me and all I could manage to say was, “I’m so sweaty.” He ran away from me faster than, I don’t know, lightening? It was like I temporarily forgot that humans have evolved and we aren’t sexually attracted to body odor anymore, although science does argue subconsciously we are. What I am trying to say is, I’m definitely not entitled to tell you all how to flirt but maybe by sharing what not to do we can learn from my mistakes. Because some of us may be awkward, and clumsy and forget to brush our hair every so often or shave our legs for a year but that does not mean we give up. We. Must. Never. Give. Up.

So here’s my humble advice from my own mishaps.

If a person of interest asks you where you live, maybe offer a vague location like, “on the east side of town,” or, “by the city park.” There is absolutely no reason to tell him you once lived conveniently close to a Burger King until someone rudely demolished it. Actually, there is absolutely no reason to ever mention Burger King, even though it is glorious and their honey mustard makes you want to rub your face in it. Maybe just play it cool, mention how you enjoy Subway first and then see where that leads you.

Never triple text them. Yes, you may have just found corn dogs in your freezer from last semester and that is truly a gift from heaven, but don’t text them that three times!!! This problem could easily be adverted if Apple just invented a corn dog emoji but either way, just do not mention corn dogs.

If they ask you how your day was, try to come up with a brief answer. This is my biggest downfall in the rules of proper flirting. I answer by telling them every detail, one time I answered in 45 minutes. So if you are chatty try to be conscious of that. Maybe say, “it was pleasant, thank you.” Saying pleasant makes it sound like you did yoga or enjoyed a novel next to a rug made from bearskin.

Also, don’t buy a hermit crab and then demand they take responsibility as the father. Oh and also, and here is an important one- don’t tell them they remind you of a dog. Though your intentions were to only point out how cute they are and how you want to squeeze their face, apparently people don’t like to resemble an animal that often rolls in other dead animals.

In all sincerity, it’s important to be yourself. Flirting may be a developed skill but being you is something no one else can do. So thanks for reading and happy flirting!


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