Things I Find in my Pocket

When a friend needs a ride home, usually the other friend casually says, “sure, no problem,” and then the two friends gracefully skip to the car and ride off to their desired destination. But somehow on my quest to womanhood, I didn’t gather the graceful, organized or responsible characteristics that I’m sure all fabulous people have. Oddly, I don’t possess any of those.

In my version of the story, when a new friend needed a ride home on an early Sunday morning, I (some may say obnoxiously, I say enthusiastically) offered to help. Then I belligerently rummaged through every pocket of mine in my disastrous closet to find my frequently missed placed keys. While this person was patiently observing the chaos of flying coats and jeans in the air, I was simultaneously trying to quickly find my keys and to stop  beads of my forehead sweat from ruining my naturally poise persona. Finally, underneath piles of towels and dirty socks, I find a jacket whose pockets I had not yet raided. Alas, my hand collided with a mysterious object and so I whipped it out and audibly exclaimed “WHAT’S THIS?!”

A sandwich. You guys, it was a freaking sandwich.

And not just a peanut butter and jelly *incredibly under-rated sandwich by the way.* It was delectable- a double decker of the healthy modern times. It included ingredients such as: homemade pita bread, cranberry hummus, turkey and sprouts. And while this sandwich was delicious and delightful and I’m kind of even drooling thinking about it, I’m afraid that unlike the double decker of sweet bliss I was firmly gripping in my hand, I did not look that appealing. At all.

So, I have come before you guys to share with you how NOT to redeem yourself in that inexplicable & unfortunate situation. I would share how to redeem yourself but frankly, that is quite possibly impossible.

Do you… cheerfully say, “Oh, yum!” and take a bite? NO.

Do you… cheerfully say, “Oh, yum!” and then offer them a bite? Absolutely not.

Do you… say, “it’s only been in there since Thursday,” and then count backwards on your fingers from Sunday? No, no, NO! Because that is four days TOO MANY.

In other words, I did all of preceding “do-nots,” and my image was not redeemed. After realizing all of those were terrible, impulsive notions, I stood there helplessly and blurted out the truth.

“Well, its only been in there since Thursday because I get free food volunteering at the hospital and I wasn’t hungry at the time so I put it in my coat to take home with me for later because I was already carrying my water and my car keys because I was leaving and I just thought I wouldn’t forget about it and this is so embarrassing it has never happened before I swear.”

Note how I mentioned I volunteered at a hospital, as if being a somewhat decent human of civilization would make up for the fact that I am an absolute slob.

Whatever. My self-esteem and social ranking may be forever destroyed, but the important thing is my friend made it home and I have yet to find another sandwich in my pocket. So here’s to a hopefully brighter and more sanitary future on my quest to womanhood.

Things I Find in my Pocket

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